20th December 2005,
5.11pm, it's Tuesday evening. I'm about to go back, just update the blog before I switch off the PC. Yesterday was on-leave. Had good time of resting at home, wrapping gifts and lunch with Lee Koh and Jasmine. Too lazy to go shopping, have not really get much gifts this year. Sister will be back this 24th. Still can remember some incidence few days ago- conversation with sister that made me shed tears. Wondering why I can be so emotional to take the feedback to emotionally and negatively. We have been hoping for her to come back Penang to work- it's tiring to see her travelling to and fro Johor-Penang, waste of time, effort, money...if she could have been in Penang will solve whole lot of issue. Yet I know fully well God has His time and season. Can see Celina has been growing- even after the breakoff she has found strength in Him, and passion for Mission and evangelism. It's good seeing her grow in the Lord- to start serving in Young Adult Ministry, yes, indeed she has been strong, always strong. One word that made me sad- "Smile and the world will smile with you, and cry and you will only cry alone, so just choose to be happy and smile". Imagine my siste said that to me. Yes, indeed it's true in a way, probably the meaning is to encourage me to make a choice to be happy. To be happy is a choice? Who don't want to be happy? And...if I'm crying- really I'll be crying alone? That's sad, really sad. Where's all my brothers and sisters? When I'm at the mountain-top, all will be cheering and happy with me, but if I'm in the valley full of dryness- who will be there? Who can cry with me? I'm in a way sad to hear this, although there's some truth to the statement. Yes, even though there're people surrounds you, families, friends, and church...yet, when there're some issues in life, where you're standing at the borderline, or valley and wonderland-so called...it's still your choice and effort to make that move. Man can't help, friends can't help. When you're crying you'll only cry alone?? I ponder through..how many times I've cried, and who is there with me. Only the Daddy in heaven, my closest friends. Yet sometimes I can reject that closest friend that trying to offer helping hands. What a wretched man like me, who can help? A choice to make- a choice, an effort.
I wonder why, this year 2005 it speak so much of choices and efforts. I wish to pedal hard, I wish to run and fly with wings of eagles, "You wish, and You can Shirley- Do It, just run, just fly, just soar up- why stop? Why doubt? Can't you just trust me, can't you just trust the Daddy's heart? Why worry?"
Oh God, my Lord! I'm so tired of life. Life isn't fun, it's full of turmoils and I feel like giving up. I'm sorry Daddy- for such feeling. But it is real, it's real and I don't like it...but life still goes on, whatever happen I still need to live. Teach me to live with a smile in my heart. Teach me to say "Yes". Am journeyed on, whatever it takes..teach me to keep the eyes straight and focus in You, on the Cross of Love, fix my mind on you, to be centre-minded moving forward, not backward..in whatever I said..there will not be a "But", there only be a "Yes, praise God and Amen". Help me to follow You till the end. Gives me a Spirit-filled understanding of the situation I'm facing now...that I will see the joy of rainbow at the end of the rain. I surrender- help me to die in self, and live by the Spirit each day, I prayed. Amen!
